Holiday timeline

30 minutes in to holiday:

– Glassware, groceries, bins and any possible shanks moved to the top shelves

– Nappies hung up to dry

– Dog prison assembled

– Daddy’s trousers removed

– Park visited approximately 28 times

– ‘Why?’ answered 15 times

1 day in to holiday:

– Dogs walked three times

– Zero lie ins

– Park visited approximately 38 thousand times

– ‘Why?’ answered 170 times

Three days in to holiday:

– Might as well set up camp in the park

– Lie ins. Pahahahaha, zero.

– ‘Why?’ answered 3000 times

– Multuple strangers insulted by toddlers (fucks given; zero)

– Steps taken by MD; none. All transportation must be made via new Christmas scooter (scooter also mandatory for all toilet trips, bedtimes and meals)

Last day of holiday:

– white lie told about park burning down

– stop kidding yourself about a lie in

– vital life lesson about not playing with fire given

– one dog broken from over exercise

– phone memory full (start deleting baby photos to make room for toddler pictures)

– ‘Why?’ answered 11,500 times

– Idealic, and unrealistic, local Rightmove notification set up.