Mrs DD; a CV

Key skills

A persistent individual with a diverse, self-taught skillset and an emphasis on attachment methods, interspersed with episodes of screaming in to pillows. Recent achievements include not losing either flight risk at the supermarket, remembering to put the defrosting meat out of the dogs’ reach and taking the washing out of the machine within one day. I didn’t hang it to dry, but still I feel this demonstrates continued development.

Employment history

Snack bitch (2016 to present)

-Main responsibilities

• Home based medical assessor and practitioner
• Night shift operative
• Teaching
• All Cinderella based tasks (cooking, cleaning, singing to animals)
• Excrement removal operative
• Health and safety advisor
• Repetition of any of the above tasks up to 18 times per waking period

-Achievements

• Lead ‘we don’t have a f*cking yellow cup, just use the red one’ negotiator 2018
• That one time I kept my cool and didn’t shout
• Continued stakeholder management of two undersized, untrained humans
• Implemented bedtime routine whereby all family members can benefit from no sleep, increasing night time productivity by 85%.
• Successful planning and integration of Canine Team and Baby Invaders
• This one time the MD ate some broccoli (she denies it but I saw)

Owner to two selectively deaf GSPs (2012 to present)

-Main responsibilities

• Pillow
• Groomer
• Bringer of food
• Thrower of balls
• Unofficial alarm clock for the local area
• Excrement removal operative

-Achievements

• Maintained zero broken bone record from canine imposed stairwell racetrack
• Personally funded the local vets last six holidays, new car and suspiciously expensive looking watch
• Survived and managed the resulting stench from the dead hedgehog roll of 2014
• Approximately once a month I’m listened to, this is a 70% increase to the previous year

Education

Nothing that prepared me for looking after these monsters.

Hobbies and interests

Sometimes I get to wee without an audience, that’s always nice.

References

-MD

It’s my birthday soon.

-Spider Monkey

MAAAMA

-Spotty Crotch

FINALLY, a feed back form. She doesn’t give anywhere enough treats. She keeps washing off my carefully applied fox poo, how on earth am I meant to catch a rabbit smelling like a pointer? Huh? The rabbits will be all like ‘omg a can smell a pointer’ instead of ‘nah bro, that’s not a dog it’s just a walking dog shaped fox poo’.

The three sofas just aren’t enough, she should commission another wing to the house for my exclusive use. More balls. Less of her and more of Mr DD. Actually just get rid of her, you can have her and her spawn, I’ll keep Mr DD but he can stop all that work bollocks.

-Poo Monster

Be right back, heard a food package rustle in the next county.