Motherless Mother’s Day

With Mother’s day, my Mum’s birthday and the anniversary of her death I’m not a fan of this time of year. I’ve been trying to write a post about her for a while but never found the right words or context. This week however I wish she was here and I want to talk about her.

I cannot remember my Mum ever shouting at us and I’m terrified all my children will remember of me is losing my shit. Between the smallest wanting to be held constantly and the eldest being a tornado of emotions I’m finding it hard to find my footing at the moment. I’m not the parent I want to be right now. I have no patience, no empathy, no time and I shout too much. I want to ask my mum if she had the same doubts I do.

Everyone knew her as Aunty Pammy. She was a teacher and loved the naughty kids. She always had time for us. She did a computing degree back when women didn’t do that sort of thing, but couldn’t use Word to save her life. She asked my Dad out. She put my brother in to dance and my sister and I in to Scouts. She always cared too much and was a bit of a hippy. She was fiercly protective. When the brain tumours took hold it was difficult to tell where mum’s eccentric side ended, and the gremlins began. I miss her.

I didn’t mention her for the first few years of my daughter’s life and now a day doesn’t go by where the MD doesn’t check on her death status. That toddler can turn any conversation round to the fact my mum is, in fact, still dead. As anyone who has come in to contact with her over the last year can testify. When I’m jogging she will very helpfully pipe up;

‘Mummy you look like you’re dying, like your mother, she’s dead, because the doctors couldn’t make her better. I want a biscuit. Did your mum like biscuits? She’s dead though. So she can’t have one. Because she’s dead.’

I’ll put money on that kid going in to motivational speaking.

I know I’m not the only one, and I got 20 years more than some people get with a parent but I’m sad she never got a retirement and angry she left us. Most of all I’m gutted my children missed out on another awesome Grandmother to lead them astray.

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