From: Me and my DDs
Sent: Wednesday, 12 January 2021
Subject: Lockdown three, week one
Anticipating the announcement I stocked up on some paint to do the hallways. Should have realised this was optimistic, as soon as you say wet paint the kids see ‘big red button’. Must remember to only buy water based in future, where do we stand on soaking a toddler in white spirit? Nothing is finished, and everything has a child’s handprint on it somewhere.
No career or personal tragedies yet, though P did give the boy his iPad which it turns out is linked to his work account. I assume the whole of UK operations appreciated the tractor colouring they received.
Proud to say I haven’t resorted to starting a sourdough culture yet. I am literally watching paint dry while writing this though.
Any more hedgehog séances I should know about?
Sent: Wednesday, 13 January 2021
Subject: Re: Lockdown three, week one
From experience, you will treasure those indelible handprints in years to come. I’ve still got some scribbles from your ‘pre-sentience’ years. I occasionally come across them and wonder what on earth was going through your head. Maybe you were mapping your escape route after slaughtering your parents.
We’ve had a series of tragedies with the hedgehogs. The attempted resurrection of the ‘its-just-hibernating’ juvenile on the radiator was just the start.*
Later in November we took in another hog from the garden – it was 300g, well below the 450g deemed necessary for a successful hibernation. All the omens were good – we named it – but it didn’t put on weight. So we took it to a rescue specialist and we retrieved it two weeks later. Four days later we found it prone outside its bed, cuddled and stroked it for about an hour, and it died. Couldn’t help thinking that it was a more comforting (albeit inevitable) death than those Covid patients on failing life-support systems. Sorry to be so morose. We’re now in the throes of deciding whether to take another hog from the rescue centre (but it won’t be one of ours, from the garden).
*This happened. They put a dead hedgehog on the radiator to revive it thinking it was just hibernating. They warmed a dead hedgehog. Everyone remember that when you think you’ve got desperate this lockdown.