One day the MD, the Unidog and Mummy took a walk. 'So kiddo, what type of cake would you like for your birthday?' asked Mummy. "Unicorn" said the MD decisively. 'That might be a bit tric-' "UNICORN" Mummy was silent for a moment, internally cursing her choice of words. 'What flavour cake' she thought, 'FLAVOUR'.... Continue Reading →
In my top 5 stressful situations* is a vets trip. Today it was inevitable as the King of Melancholy broke a nail. Leaving one mutt at home isn't an option unless I want a new basement dug out, several noise complaints and some surprise interior design. So that leaves two options; 1. Take both dogs in,... Continue Reading →
Key skills A persistent individual with a diverse, self-taught skillset and an emphasis on attachment methods, interspersed with episodes of screaming in to pillows. Recent achievements include not losing either flight risk at the supermarket, remembering to put the defrosting meat out of the dogs' reach and taking the washing out of the machine within... Continue Reading →
Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Sometimes batshit things happen ALL THE TIME to the same person which forces us to question, why? What did you do to the universe? The family group chat this morning: Brother DD: Did you leave your son's tooth here? I've just found one stuck to my piece of... Continue Reading →
30 minutes in to holiday: - Glassware, groceries, bins and any possible shanks moved to the top shelves - Nappies hung up to dry - Dog prison assembled - Daddy's trousers removed - Park visited approximately 28 times - 'Why?' answered 15 times 1 day in to holiday: - Dogs walked three times - Zero... Continue Reading →
We’re on week three of ‘Why?’ All hope is lost. Send help and an encyclopedia. Why? Well, apparently I know nothing about the world around me and any explanations I am able to offer are not satisfactory. Why? Because you’re a toddler and there's no known cure. Why? I don't know, because of brain development... Continue Reading →
Humans are programmed to fear the dark, afterall a sabre tooth tiger could jump out and drag us away in to the dark. That's what we're told but I think there could be another reason. There's one nocturnal sound that never fails to make me freeze in fear. It cuts through the night like the... Continue Reading →
I could apologise for the following swearing, but I wouldn't mean it. Don't read if you don't like fuck, because I say fuck a lot. Fuck.
My daughter isn't wearing a tutu and tiara and my son isn't head-to-toe in biege and that's hard for you because there's a chance she could be a he, or he a she, or she a she and he a he and you just wouldn't know how to type cast them?
Off you fuck.
The dogs; Spotty Crotch and Poo Monster. The kids; a Mini Dictator and Boob Baby. My sister tells me a mating is considered successful after the offspring has had offspring. That’s setting the bar a bit high so I’m aiming for bedtime, if we all make it to bedtime I’m winning.
Well that's it. My body is officially mine again and I never have to breastfeed for the rest of my life. There's some real positives to this; - No more making sure my tops have easy access - No more bloody expressing - Alcohol - Lots of alcohol - Normal, regular person bras - No... Continue Reading →