Lesson eighteen: Keep the pyjamas on

Mother [to herself]: Aren’t they playing nicely. I’ve nailed this. Mother [to children]: I’m going to get dressed my little cherubs, lights of my life, future of my world. Children: [Completely blank the person who gave them life] Mother leaves stage left Mother enters stage left Mother: Fucks sake (In the 30 seconds allotted for... Continue Reading →

Lesson sixteen: Because I said so

We’re on week three of ‘Why?’ All hope is lost. Send help and an encyclopedia. Why? Well, apparently I know nothing about the world around me and any explanations I am able to offer are not satisfactory. Why? Because you’re a toddler and there's no known cure. Why? I don't know, because of brain development... Continue Reading →

Lesson fifteen: Fear the dark

Humans are programmed to fear the dark, afterall a sabre tooth tiger could jump out and drag us away in to the dark. That's what we're told but I think there could be another reason. There's one nocturnal sound that never fails to make me freeze in fear. It cuts through the night like the... Continue Reading →

Lesson fourteen: A rant is good for the soul

I could apologise for the following swearing, but I wouldn't mean it. Don't read if you don't like fuck, because I say fuck a lot. Fuck.
My daughter isn't wearing a tutu and tiara and my son isn't head-to-toe in biege and that's hard for you because there's a chance she could be a he, or he a she, or she a she and he a he and you just wouldn't know how to type cast them?
Off you fuck.

Lesson eleven: Hippies lie too

I've been trying to close the boob bank overnight. I had two glorious nights where young Boob Baby (boob by name boob by nature) only woke once. This was just to lure me in to a false sense of security before knocking me right back in to 'team no sleep' with a thud. So my... Continue Reading →

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