This one is for The MD

I’ll try to do you justice, my little rainbow baby. My first baby. My sleep is for the weak baby. My little chatter baby. My never stops talking baby. My please stop now, I didn’t think it was possible for the first year and a half of your life, but now I’m certain if I hear you say ‘muummeeee’ one more time I’m going to ban Hey Duggee and I mean it this time.

I obviously don’t mean that. I love Duggee.

From the start you were all about Mummy. It took a good year for you to accept that Daddy wasn’t going anywhere and you should probably start acknowledging him. Now you’re all about Daddy. Traitor. And you look like him. Double traitor. I GAVE YOU LIFE.

You made me a mother which means a lot when mine is gone. You push me to the line, then you piss on the line, laugh and run away. I wanted you to be a strong willed women capable of forming opinions and sticking up for yourself. I didn’t want you to be a strong willed toddler able to form opinions and stick up for yourself.

You are giggly and moody and determined and creative and just about perfect in every way.

You love biscuits.

You can be the sweetest to your little brother. You can also be a knob. You run around shouting ‘aba caba’ while smacking him over the head with whichever blunt object is your wand that day.

‘Can you stop assulting your brother please?’

‘No thank you mummy me doing magic’

Well done, you magic’d a few more of his brain cells away.

You’re good to your canine henchmen. You throw toys for Spooty Crotch and sneak food for Poo Monster. They’re not immune to your controlling ways but generally stare blankly when you order them about. One day soon they’ll learn I’m sure. Then me and your Dad really are fucked.

Don’t grow up.

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